July 2010
16 posts
4 tags
Flat-earth Five-year-old
Me: Joy, where does the Moon go during the daytime?
Joy: Behind the mountains. And the Sun goes behind the mountains, too.
Jul 25th
4 tags
Jul 21st
3 tags
Eldad (אֶלְדָּד, “God has loved.”) and Medad (מֵידָד, from “love”) would make good names for twin boys, even though the Biblical prophets weren’t twins.
Jul 14th
3 tags
₤1,000,000
I received an email this morning from a Mr. Kenny Huynh. He had terrific news for me: One Million Pounds has been Awarded to you in our TOBACCO AWARD PROMO.Send your‏ details for claims purpose:- NAME.. OCCUPATION.. COUNTRY Of course, I responded right away: NAME: Clay “The Tornado” Smith OCCUPATION: International Man of Mystery COUNTRY: State of the Vatican...
Jul 13th
2 tags
I’m getting the full fútbol experience today. Our recording of today’s World Cup game has the Spanish commentary. No gól yet.
Jul 11th
2 tags
I’ve outlived James Dean by about a week already, but my movie career just never took off. You win some, you lose some.
Jul 11th
4 tags
Jul 7th
4 tags
I wasn’t feeling patriotic yesterday until I dialed my radio to NPR and listened to their Independence Day coverage. Then I reacted like an angry WASP.
Jul 5th
3 tags
Only 3161 days until Justin Bieber is old enough to rent a car without paying the young driver surcharge.
Jul 5th
3 tags
Jul 5th
6 tags
Jul 5th
6 tags
Jul 5th
4 tags
My family loves me.
Mom: (speaking to me) Sometimes you're so much like Jack Black.
Patrick: Except you're not fat, and you don't have a beard.
Jul 3rd
4 tags
Jul 2nd
3 tags
Jul 2nd
5 tags
Jul 1st
2 tags
I don’t want fame and influence for the money or the women. I only want to have my name listed in Wikipedia as a “notable resident”.
Jul 1st
4 tags
Jul 1st
June 2010
19 posts
3 tags
How long would it take to transport two cars across the country by driving both of them separately at the same time? I mean, what if you drove car A for a mile, hopped out and jogged back to car B, drove it two miles, jogged back and drove car A for two miles, and then repeated this process from Los Angeles to New York City? That would take what? A year? Someone should try this.
Jun 30th
2 tags
Jun 29th
1 tag
Heard on NPR: Famous Japanese sumo wrestlers and stablemasters (trainers) suspended or expelled for gambling on baseball. Why not bet on sumo?
Jun 29th
4 tags
Jun 28th
3 tags
I’d move to Portland if it weren’t for my mild gephyrophobia.
Jun 22nd
1 note
3 tags
Jun 19th
3 tags
Jun 19th
4 tags
Jun 18th
4 tags
Jun 18th
5 tags
Jun 18th
4 tags
Jun 18th
3 tags
Jun 17th
There are multiple fires on the east side of 15 at Weirick and half a mile further south. Fire, ambulance, and police responding.
Jun 11th
3 tags
I’m proud of myself because I haven’t played video games at home once this summer. Still, I wish there was a video game that reviewed Greek and Hebrew paradigms, so that I had an excuse to play.
Jun 10th
3 tags
I wish I lived high in the mountains so that I could be pleasantly surprised to discover that despite the altitude I don’t have to adjust the recipe for my Bisquick pancakes.
Jun 6th
2 tags
The misfiring “Recommended for You” feature on Youtube has opened my eyes to the world of amateur hair-and-makeup tutorial videos. My informal research leads me to conclude that every young Southern belle with a webcam must be waking up hours before Sunday church service to record and post videos of themselves using a curling iron.
Jun 3rd
5 tags
Per Joy’s complex, lucid fantasy that she is a Disney princess, she has declared my mother a wicked witch, and locked her out of our castle née house. As Prince Charming, it would be treasonous of me to unlock the doors for the old hag laden with poison apples.
Jun 2nd
May 2010
30 posts
2 tags
"But wouldn’t real witches..." →
graveyarddirt: claysmith: I think it’s safe to say that there hasn’t been a single person in history who has been killed for being a witch. Sure, people may have been killed for practicing, but wouldn’t real witches be able to fly away, turn the magistrate into a newt, or at least cackle their way out of a sticky situation? Even the witch of Endor seemed genuinely surprised that her craft...
May 30th
2 notes
2 tags
May 29th
2 tags
I think it’s safe to say that there hasn’t been a single person in history who has been killed for being a witch. Sure, people may have been killed for practicing, but wouldn’t real witches be able to fly away, turn the magistrate into a newt, or at least cackle their way out of a sticky situation? Even the witch of Endor seemed genuinely surprised that her craft worked for once.
May 29th
2 notes
3 tags
May 29th
4 tags
May 29th
2 tags
If 50 Cent was adjusted for inflation every year since his debut album, Get Rich or Die Tryin’, dropped in 2003, he’d be 58 Cent.
May 28th
2 tags
I want to go live in Charlie Brown’s universe for no other reason than it seems to be completely devoid of cats.
May 28th
1 note
3 tags
Sometimes when I’m falling asleep, I’ll think of something utterly bizarre, and then I scramble to forget the thought before it becomes the foundation of my dreams.
May 28th
2 tags
May 27th
2 tags
May 27th
2 tags
May 27th
3 tags
May 20th
3 tags
May 20th
2 tags
May 15th
4 tags
May 13th
1 note